I've tried for years and especially with the last 2 hard years... to make-do with what I got, so I could be happy with who I am and well... if I haven't got it by now... chances are I probably wouldn't any time soon.

Maybe it'll take a decade. Maybe it'll happen when I'm 40.
I'm going to stop pretending to be some chirpy fool I'm not. Acting days are over; this mask is coming off.
I'm brooding, I've got low self-esteem; I'm self-deprecating, potty-mouthed, I'm alone because I don't have the luxury of my loved one's understanding. These tears rolling down my face are hot because I have that much anger teeming in me, through my veins, coming out my pores.
I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. I don't speak very well. I'm someone who can't make others happy, and so I must be undeserving of all the great opportunities only rich, pretentious people have.
But I'm not resentful, I don't hold grudges and I know I'm not that bad. There will be a day when it all comes together because my own blood, sweat and tears have earned me so. That I made it on my own.
If only they gave me a second look because hey, one day they'll be saying, "Yeah, I know that face..."

My face. Is. Not just another pretty face. 
Ironic really, pfft - it's got a name and it's lived to a lot of pain, selfworthlessness, other people's fucked up shit, spit and backhands.
This face is doing no more begging.
This face is not scared to look up at the sun.



[*22stripes is no longer blogging. Thank you for reading all these years. 

Please leave your blog url if you want to keep in touch.
Bid Adieu.]

I'd like to be appreciated too.
That's all.

I could give up, and let this misery engulf me to chronic depression and be a bum at life, struggling between part-time jobs
or
I could just gold dig a rich man and get married like everyone else at this age. I can become a mother like I want to, and stay at home, be sorely bored but never worry about future finances again
or
I could sulk, lose sleep and cry and kick myself continuing what I gotta do now, knowing all this effort doesn't really count towards anything at all.

                          2010,